Copy right belongs to the original owners of these works.
One day a Florist goes for a haircut. After the
cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I
cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist
is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to
open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at
his door. A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and
the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I
am doing a Community Service. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next
morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card
and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. An Indian Software Engineer
goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies;
'I'm Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what
A Dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut......
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On with today's joke...
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant
approached a blonde sitting in the first class section
and requested that she move to coach since she did not
have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm a
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight
attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the blonde asking her to
please move out of the first class section. Again,
the blonde replied, "I'm a blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to New York, an I'm not moving." The
co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the
captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and
I know how to handle this." He went to the first
class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach
section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone
just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot
asked what he said to her that finally persuaded
her to move from her seat. He said "I told her
the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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God looks over the millions of people and says, "Welcome to
Heaven. The women are to go with Saint Peter, and the men
are then to form two lines. Make one line of the men that
dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who
were dominated by their women."
With much movement the women are gone and there are two
lines. The line of the men that were dominated by women is
100 miles long but the line of men who dominated women has
only one man.
God gets angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all
dominated by your mates? Look at the only one of you that
stood up and made me proud and prepare to learn from him!"
God turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How you
managed to be the only one on that line?"
The man replied, "I dont know. my wife asked me to stand here"
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Hi ppl this story is yuks....(actually worse that yuks) ...but
true...... as they say truth is bitter to taste...or si IT????
This lady was working in a post office in California, one day she
licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge.
That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week
later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the
doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything.
A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it
began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She
went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done.
The doctor, took an x-ray of her tongue, and noticed a lump. He
prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue
open, a live cockroach crawled out. There were roach eggs on the seal of
The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her
It was warm and moist...
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A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or
umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him.
Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in
relieved to be out of the wet. "Thanks pal I thought I would
never......" he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the
seat. Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles
it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes
to a stop at the top of the road where the guy lives - he is by now is
in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not
jumped from the car en-route is because it was travelling so slowly that
he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened.
Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry! Now it is stopped at
the kerb again just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets
out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into
another guy who is going to get into the car. "Hey buddy I would not
in that car if I were you there's something weird about it" "Yeah,
know" says the second guy " But I've just pushed it four miles and
really need the rest".
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Bruce Lee is actually a Malayalee, Do you know how? Bruce Lee is actually a
Malayalee, but he left Kerala, the land of MaveLee because he didn't have Jo lee
or Koo Lee. He was not happy to be aThozhilaLee or Vazhakkaa Lee and decided
that he wants to become a MuthalaLee by being a Pora Lee. Actually, he invented
his most popular film titles from the Malayalam word Vyaa Lee (Dragon). His
favorite goddess was Ka Lee and he enjoyed Adipo Lee a lot.
What is Bruce Lee's favorite weapon? ----- Kodaa Lee
According to Bruce Lee, which is the Venomous snake? ----- Ana Lee
Place where Bruce Lee stays when he is in Kerala ----- Adima Lee
Bruce Lee's Favourite Malayalam Channel ----- Kaira Lee
Bruce Lee favorite vegetable? ----- Thakkaa Lee
What sound does Bruce Lee make when some one hits him? ----- Nilavi Lee
What is Bruce Lee's pet ------ Chunde Lee
What kind of water does Bruce Lee prefer with his lunch? ------ Karingaa
What is Bruce Lee's Girl Friend's name? ------ Anaarka Lee
What is Bruce Lee's nick name? ------ Neeraa Lee
While in kerala he likes to be known as a ------ Malaya Lee
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Advantages of being a Male.
really goood ones
1. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop at every
shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. There is always a game on somewhere.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even
thinking, " He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in
15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your
friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F...
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and
throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ..notice anything
100. You can be president and get a blow job at the same time.
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Being better prepared for the future ... to face your kid.|
* Son (S): Why is making love so enjoyable?
(F/M): It is just like the sensation when you are
digging your nose with your finger!
* S: Why do women enjoy more than men?
F/M: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose
feels more comfort than your finger.
* S: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
F/M: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone
else come over and digs your nose, do you like it?
* S: Why can a woman not have sex when she is in her periods?
F/M: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it?
* S: Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making
F/M: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your
* S: Why is making love carried out in private?
F/M: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!
* S: WAAO . .POP you are GREAT.
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A man is out driving along a back country highway and passes a sign which reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.
He thinks that it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees
another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES.
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives a little farther on and sure
enough, there is a third sign: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far
side of the parking lot he sees a somber stone building with a sign on the door
that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION.
He climbs the steps, rings the bell and the door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" "I
saw your signs posted while I was driving along the highway and so I was
interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well,
my son. Please follow me," she says. He is led through many winding
passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops in front of a closed
door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The
man does as he is told and this door is opened by another nun in a long black
habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway and close
the door behind you." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots
eagerly down the hallway and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the
door locks behind him, he finds himself back out in the parking lot, and facing
another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters
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I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.|
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day
long for a quarter.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing
you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? If you
were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in
public. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
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John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.
David jumpedin and saved him, and the medical director came to know of
his heroic act..
He immediately order David to be discharged from the Mental Hospital as
he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is
that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your
senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are
now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom
you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry !
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Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with
the slogan "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."|
The Second one tries to improve on that with "Coverage from the womb to the
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with "From the sperm to the
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race,
but finally came up with "From the
erection to the resurrection."
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Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first
programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then
proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after
paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash
his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands
using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At
Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained
to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over
shoulder: "At Sun, we don't piss on our hands."
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Life isn't fair to men.
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
The average man's life consists of - twenty years of having his mother ask him
where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at
the end, the mourners wondering too.
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: u take one
more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man
stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the
road. Once again the voice houted:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and
you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came
careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am
your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I
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Banta Singh and Santa Singh
Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my Driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you."
And he called his driver Banta Singh over and said, "Banta, here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." To which Banta replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Santa Singh: "Santa, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." Santa said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here." Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Banta said to Santa, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The showroom is closed!" Santa replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is sooo much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is a t home....He's got a cellphone, right, he can just call home to check!!!!
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|Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their
country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I
tell you my Driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show
And he called his driver Banta Singh over and said, "Banta, here is a
10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." To which
Banta replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the
showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you
he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want
to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Santa
Singh: "Santa, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." Santa
said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home. "See what I
told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at
home if I am here." Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Banta
said to Santa, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10
dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a
Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The showroom is
closed!" Santa replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is
sooo much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is a t home....He's
got a cellphone, right, he can just call home to check!!!!
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